Plato has started a chain of clothing outlets that sells only the Platonic idea of a garment. The prices are super low.
Lao Tzu is planning to open a Museum of Non-Being, featuring a thousand different voids. Visitors will be chosen at random, and members will be forbidden to enter.
Archimedes finally found a lever and a place to stand on, and moved the world. He is now retired and lives in Boca Raton, Florida.
Buddha is working anonymously at a famous chocolate maker in Paris, trying to determine if he may have overstated the case when he said, “All life is suffering.”
Joan of Arc has reluctantly admitted that she is an Anglophile, and is now binge-watching The Crown.
Tomás de Torquemada, founder of the Spanish Inquisition, was convicted of forty-three counts of tax fraud and is serving the sixth of his twelve consecutive 99-year sentences in a Turkish prison.
Voltaire is cultivating his garden and is eager for tips on how to protect against cabbage slugs.
Adam Smith is now a real estate developer of gated communities for retired military despots. He is said to be investing heavily in Siberian tundra in anticipation of higher global temperatures.
Friedrich Nietzsche is currently a recluse living in a chalet in the Slovenian Alps. In a rare interview, he said he now eats mostly eggplant and enjoys online Zumba classes.
Karl Marx joined a band of guerillas in the jungles of Colombia, where he became intrigued by organic farming. He is currently part of a collective that grows açai fruit for the health food market.
Friedrich Engels organized workers for many years in a chicken processing plant in the former East Germany, where he was able to improve safety measures, though not for the chickens. He now takes care of his great-great-great-granddaughter, picking her up at daycare.
Albert Einstein is the CEO of a startup that hopes to extend longevity by sending one of a pair of identical twins into space at nearly the speed of light.
George Washington Carver invented edible takeout containers made from sweet potatoes. After use, the containers can be heated into a delicious soup. Carver recommends adding oyster mushrooms, Tuscan kale, and silken tofu.
Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre have become interested in competitive cycling and plan to start an all-gender, non-Eurocentric alternative to the Tour de France, located in South America and ending at Machu Picchu.
Martin Heidegger is a bagger in a supermarket in West Terre Haute, Indiana, and has been heard muttering, “What is the meaning of Being?” to random customers. He also watches Hoosier football on TV, but only road games.
Mahatma Gandhi is designing a line of eyeglasses and walking sticks called Gandhiware, based on his signature accessories. All proceeds will all be donated to promote marine mammal literacy.
Ayn Rand lost all her savings and her health insurance when her investments in mortgage-backed securities tanked in the Great Recession of 2008. She is now cleaning rooms in a chain motel in Galveston, Texas, and is still a firm believer in the free market.
Mother Teresa is hoping to launch a string of nightclubs in India where participants dance in separate rooms to music that no one else is hearing. Rumor has it that she is having difficulty finding venture capital.
Zack Rogow is the author, editor, or translator of more than twenty books or plays. His ninth book of poems, Irreverent Litanies, was issued by Regal House Publishing. His translations of surrealist writers include the books Earthlight and Arcanum 17 by André Breton, and poems by Paul Éluard and Joyce Mansour. His blog, Advice for Writers, features more than 250 posts on topics of interest to writers. He serves as a contributing editor of Catamaran Literary Reader. Website: www.zackrogow.com.